July 31, 2013
It felt I was going to meet my father after a long periodic time. I was excited but also nervous. Meetings with my father always gave me butterflies in my stomach. Due to the past experience, our meetings were always short and premature. We either end up on calmly disagreeing with each other or end up arguing on idiotic situations. His ways, my ways were quite different. Of course, they would be. After all we were two different human beings. But he still supported me. He compromised with his own time and space, and devoted his whole for me. I have always felt a question in my mind, would he had not been my father, what in the hell would I have done with myself? You see, I was that dependent on him still pretending to the outer world and myself that I am independent. We all are, dependent on our parents due to some reasons. And we do not need reasons to depend on them. Those reasons are just a blur of words, the real reason which I realize is their love for us and the love they expect even though they won’t tell us that they crave for it. I knew I would be his offspring as long as I am a material.
The meeting with him this time was different. He did not come to pick me up. Instead, he sent his car. When I came home, I was cheerfully greeted by my mother. And I felt those butterflies were bygones. But then I saw him, and they come back in an instant. I saw him, he had a smile on his face as he always did, even during those times of despair and pain which I gave him or at the time of life which we fought together. I conquered most of the life because he helped me to do it.
I saw him, his decaying face. I could say that cause I bore his blood in my veins. His eyes were filled with those gloomy clouds you must have seen. They just come out of the weather and it never rains. The wind blows them away. But this time, I saw there was no wind. Even the strong west wind which when strikes and blows, material things feel some despair, felt weak. I saw he had grown small, his face was dull and short, and skinny. His black mustache was as white as snow but there was no mountain to hold it up. His voice had grown weaker since I last saw him.
I realized I could have spent all those years with him such that we could have fought against life some more days together. Such that his smile would still have been cheerful and one of the happiest smile. I knew he missed me and I did too. All those bad and sad butterflies were now in my head. As if they can travel even faster than my thoughts. After watching him struggle to stand from his chair and greet me with his hug which was still warm and reminded me of the previous ones. All his hugs were that strong and warm and I always felt my self-esteem boosted as there was someone for me always. This moment I only feel I could time travel back, wish had a TARDIS, would hug him each and every day that I have missed.
By feeling the essence of his presence I was still care free and well protected from the demons of the world. I saw his eyes were looking straight in my eyes and I saw he felt and understood well each and every thought I was having right now in my mind.
Finally those words came out of my mouth, “Dad, I love you”.
He smiled. And this time I saw one of the happiest smile I had ever seen.
It was just a dream, I feel the essence of the dream is enough to teach a man.